King King Zark Zark-this is a "humorous blog"

These are the shows I have going on in the next few weeks.

2011-06-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

June 13th- Backline Improv Graduation Show. @ Studio Gallery-50th & Dodge
June 26th - Almost Famous Showcase @ The Omaha Funny Bone
June 27th - w/ Doug Benson, Graham Elwood, Ian Douglas Terry @The Waiting Room
June 29th - OK PARTY - Night of 140 Characters Improv Show @ The Waiting Room
July 9th- Studio Gallery Comedy Night @The Studio Gallery-50th & Dodge.

I Have Been Working.

2011-06-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

I have not been honest with you. Most of my friends and family assume that I work at a desk job and beleive it to be fairly mundane. I tolerate my job, a mere means to an end. All of this is false. For the last 12 years I have worked for biscuits.

Yes.

Golden.

Flaky.

Biscuits.

I started out small. Biscuit inspector. I made sure that all 'cuits (as we called them) were up to specifications. Golden enough. Flaky enough. Biscuit enough. I was good at my job. I was damn good. I was the one who drafted what later became know as the SSI, or the Sop Saturation Index. A way to measure the amount of gravy, egg, syrup, or any other breakfast fluid each individual biscuit could pick up and hold until eaten.

Using basic biscuit market research, it was determined that sopping ability was the number one thing consumers looked for in a biscuit. I was promoted to marketing, and worked with a team to come up with the now legendary, "Just Sop It" campaign.

Biscuit profits (Know in biz as profcuits) were up 200%. I was king of the biscuit world and I was sopping up every bit of happiness I could. I struck gold with the Sop! Hammertime! limited edition single, and we broke records with the "Sop or my Mom will Shoot" cross promotion. I was on top of the world it was like no one could sop me.

Then the roof caved in like a wet biscuit with not enough yeast. The Saturday morning cartoon, Sopformers tanked and was pulled off the air after two weeks. It was dubbed a sop flop. The week after that our competitor, "Rolls" introduced double sop technology. We were finished. We had to close up sop.

That brings us to today. I stand before you a broken man. Broken into a million pieces that could not be sopped up regardless the size of the biscuit. I can't believe it came to this. Although, there is always buns.

Quick Update.

2011-03-07T07:42:00.000-08:00

I few shows added for this month:

March 10th: Almost Famous Showcase. @ The Omaha Funnybone
March 31st: MavRadio Benefit. @ The University of Nebraska @ Omaha

ATTEND!

Deconstructing the Unordinary but Unimportant

2011-02-15T18:30:00.000-08:00

I enjoy bit of the youtube. Sure, why not? I bet you do. Why wouldn't you? They have almost anything, ever. Almost anything ever! There is something for everyone. With the ever expanding and almost infinite sea of videos on Youtube. I found myself asking, "why am I watching what sounds like a 14 year-old's report on Gandhi's March to the Sea?"

Simple. I am lazy. I wanted to know what body of water Gandhi marched to when performing the famed act of civil disobedience. For what reason is not important, mind you.I thought to myself, "Zach, this is the 21st century, buddy. You don't have to read words. You can listen to a youtube video on the subject while you tackle more pressing matters, like deciding if another NPR personality is worth a follow on twitter, because lets be honest, if they are just going to update when their show is on and who their guests are. I might as well just follow Applebees so I know what kind of soup they are having today."

Due to my internal struggle, I quickly learned nothing and I realize that I have to play the clip again. Luckily no one was around to question why I watched the same youtube clip twice in a row, because explaining it would be embarrassing. Just when I was about to press replay, I found it. Oh Serendipity! A comment that gives me joy beyond words.

fuucking well done

YES! Read it again but this time picture a long curly haired man wearing a baseball cap backwards saying it while blowing smoke out of his mouth.

Now picture an African-American woman in her late 50s look away from here computer after watching the video, and say, "fucking well done" as if she was talking to her late husband. You could assume this validates his death because he believed in justice and good triumphed that day.

Now a slow clap starts.

A silhouette of a man wipes his brow as he looks at a setting sun. Acknowledging his work day is over. It was hard, but it was worth it. This job means more to him that the money, which isnt good. It is a way of life a personality, an honest living. His kids come outside and he kneels down to hug them. As he embraces his children he whispers to himself,"fuucking well done".

Well done indeed.

This started with a man. A man who felt compelled to comment. Freedom of press, freedom of speech and high school grade documentaries on historic events are what he loves, and he doesn't care who knows it.

This benevolent man wanted to show his appreciation, but did not have the foresight to censor himself when trying to speak to a middle schooler. What can be done, when one is overwhelmed by such emotions it can be difficult to express yourself in an appropriate manner, or spell for that matter. I think we can safely assume that this man knows that fucking has only one u. He is a fan of social justice, he can not be a complete idiot.

By the way, the video wasn't that great.

Upcoming Shows

2011-02-13T06:50:00.000-08:00

February 16th - Fancy Party Comedy - The Waiting Room - Omaha NE
February 22nd - Dr. Quirk's comedy Experiment - Bourbon Theater - Lincoln NE
February 26th - Studio Gallery Underground (50th and Dodge) - Omaha NE
March 10th - Pending Confirmation

Bring your dumb friends.

WE HAVE BEEN HAD!

2011-02-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

This is a screen capture of 15 seconds into their video.

10 seconds in ours

THAT'S THE SAME CAT!!!!

THIEVERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-02-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

There is a Canadian show on the CBC called 22 Minutes it blatantly ripped off a sketch that OKFMDOA wrote and produced. First the original:

Cash For Cats! - watch more funny videos

Now, the knock off.

If you notice the posted dates CBC posted their in Nov. 2010 While ours was posted on AUGUST 21st 2009. More than a year earlier! Cash for Cats is our most popular video and has been posted all over the internet. It has been featured on FunnyorDie.com and was received an honorable mention at Seattle Sketchfest, as well as an HBO contest.

Let us know what you think. If you can help us, please spread the word we are but a few nobodies trying to do what is fair.

Look! A New Video of Jokes I Tell!

2011-02-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

Like a Modern Day Spanish Man with Boat. New Countries are Discovered

2011-01-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

I have only been doing stand-up comedy for ten months. I harbor no illusions about my ability and the slope of my maturation. I guess what I am saying, is that it is still early in my comedy career and I am no where near as good as I would hope. Because of this I was a little taken back when asked to do an out of town show. Not only was it out of town, but it was paying. I personally have a penchant for currency that goes back to the many times I have exchanged it for goods and services. Although, I also took this as a sign of legitimacy. A sign that there are some people that enjoy what I do, and I should continue to do so.

My friend Richard Reese, a comedian who has light years of experience on me asked me to come out to Norfolk Nebraska with him and Nick Allen. Nick and Richard have both been around for years and have been nothing but encouraging of me and the shitty jokes I spew.

The drive from Norfolk is a little over two hours. The show is supposed to start at 8:30 and I get off work at 6:00, So there was a little time to spare. I went straight to Richard's apartment and we left at about a quarter after six. We were on our way, and with that sliver of a time cushion we would make it on time, even if we had to speed a little.

That last sentence was known as foreshadowing. Although it is a bit misleading. We did not get pulled over for speeding. We got pulled over for having a head light out. While the cop was nice enough, he did tell us that he smelled weed when he came up to the car. The logical assumption about smelling the stench of pot is that it is usually smelled when a party or multiple individuals are partaking in a "bong rip" or "weed party". We were doing neither at least to my clearest recollection. We looked around nervously like we actually did something wrong. I have seen the TV show "Cops", I know the next step, they were gong to search the car. This was fine, but I was really unhappy about the prospect of sitting in the cold while the officer found the missing cheeto under the passenger's side seat. He didn't search the car he gave us a warning and sent us on our way.

The GPS said the ETA was 8:25. We still had time. By the time we reached Scribner Nebraska, God had decided that he had enough of us trying to be prompt. We were then pulled over again, this time for speeding. (Tricked you! My foreshadowing worked, but I threw you off the scent!) We were speeding, but the very large ticket was later aptly described as "Bullshit". I concurred with this description. This police officer did not smell any marijuana but he did take his sweet ass time. But I do have to commend him on a job well done of not murdering us in the middle of nowhere, which is a common concern for those traveling through small town America. But we were now late.

We called the venue, a sports bar, and told them that we would be a little late. They took that as we were going to be on time.

We arrived at the bar at about 8:50. Only twenty minutes late.

I was not under the impression that we would be greeted by a full house and adoring fans but we would probably have a decent turn out with a few problem drunks. The latter prophecy had come true.

I immediately walked to the bar and ordered my customary two alcohols that I drank vigorously. I sat down and prepared my set in a notebook, trying to figure out what would the patrons of "The N Zone." appreciate, my self deprecating jokes, or would they appreciate more of a schadenfreude approach to comedy.

The show was on! I was the first comedian up. It went fine. Although there was a very drunk individual in the crowd who liked to talk to the comedians. When I mention third world children, he shouted "fuck'em!" Needless to say I was not on board with the fucking of poor children and I said exactly that. OH! WHAT UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER! The night was off to a pretty good start for the size of the room. Nick followed in kind and worked on the imbibing man through out his set. Richard then did the same. The crowd was good. They were willing to listen and laugh, which can some times be a rare commodity in Omaha and Lincoln bars. This is completely ignoring the individual sitting at the bar who assumed when ever the comedian asked for the audiences opinion he assumed that, that was the perfect time to yell about Nancy Pelosi, and those fucking liberals.

I would like to say that things started to get bizarre after the show had reached it end, but then I would be lying. There was this couple that was sitting next to me that had to be in their late 40s or early 50s whispering to each other. They would lean over to me and ask me for a ride home. I thought this was strange considering the fact that I am a person from out of town, who is by this time drunk, and fucking weirded out. I told them that I was not driving therefore rendering me ineffective in driving them home.

When the show was over, this couple was fervent on getting the three comedians to come back to their place. They said, "We have pot, you could smoke it." Not interested. "We have food, you could eat it." We are not going anywhere with these people. Then their most baffling ploy occurred. They said, "We have a lot of room!" It appeared that their parting shot was that of promising room for us to do pilates? I know when ever I go to rural Nebraska I just want to stretch out because I am feeling crowded.......in rural Nebraska. We were later informed that they have never been seen before by the bartenders, so we assumed that they just wanted to murder us.

Later, we found out that they were swingers, who had relocated from California. It also struck me odd when the woman of the couple insisted that I was gay, and should act like it. I told her that I am not gay scientist, but I am pretty sure that all empirical proof has led me to believe that I do not like men, but the contrary, I appreciate vagina. These two heartthrobs were last seen being dragged out of the bar after the man started yelling at another man to, and I quote, "pump him in the butt." He would be missed.

The very drunk man who we picked on through out the night had the testicular fortitude to say to Richard who is a black fellow, "I don't care, but you are one funny N****(HARD R). Richard rolled it off his back and did not say much of anything instead of shoving a justified pint glass through the mans gob. Nick and I were taken aback but did very little. This is due to the fact that I am a coward. Another thing about this man is that he had 5 thousand dollars in his billfold and left it laying around. This was a very large stack of 100 dollar bills, just another part of the strange minutia that pushed through out the night.

To be fair, the other 30 or so people that came to the sports bar that night were extremely nice and personable. There was an entire table of younger people, early 20s I assume, who were incredibly polite and nice. Other couples thanked us for coming out and that they had a good time. One couple stopped and told us their favorite jokes. One ended with the punch line, "they were Democrats until they opened their eyes." Classic!

With all kidding aside, I fully enjoyed the show and the vast majority of people were awesome to hang out with. I know that I am thankful for having any place to get on stage and be able to tell my thoughts to a room full of strangers, let alone getting paid for it. Although in hindsight, some weird shit happened.

Do Ore Workers have a Smelt Checker?

2011-01-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

I had bought this composition notebook in 1996, the summer before my sophomore year of High School. I had bought this to journal about my trip to Africa that I was taking with my family. I wrote exactly four pages. It mostly revolved around how much I wanted to make out with a girl, and the truism that I did not make out with her. This was due to the fact that I didn't understand that making out with girls is what later would give me credibility to people who I want to impress.

Upon finding this notebook years later, I tore the aforementioned pages out and resolved that I would fill it with something with meaning, something with purpose. I then picked up a pen and filled it with songs about the government! Yeah! I was 19, and I had shit figured out. Finally, a voice out of the night of partisan rhetoric. One of clarity, strength and cliched punk rock platitudes.

Upon finding this notebook years later, that embarrassment was removed and I set it aside hoping that one day I would find a reason to fill it.

I am now 29 and the year is 2011 and I have 10 pages left in this notebook. It feels like an accomplishment that I finally am closing in on a goal I made for myself in passing. Don't get me wrong, filling a notebook seems like nothing to some people. The point is not that I filled the notebook, it is that I found something to fill that notebook with. (As a side note, a lot less doodles of flaccid genitalia that someone who knew me would think, but much much more than others would think.)

Last March, I grabbed this book to fill with jokes. I had always wanted to do stand up comedy but I found myself too much of a coward to get in front of people and practice it. My first Joke was about how the power of cults is always used in a way of murder and death, when before the suicide or mass execution the cult leader seems to be having a pretty good time with drug addled orgys and extra dessert. My be-puzzlement was received tepidly and I have not looked back since.

I have done a lot in this medium. What, you ask? I would be very proud to tell you if I had a braggart bone in my body, but I will leave that for my droves of sycophantic followers.

Although, I had a lot of work to do if I wanted to tell blow job jokes to drunk people who cared little for my particular point of view.

But on this day, a day where I am sitting amongst my own filth in a robe, listening to Bob Dylan's Blonde on Blonde. I sit drinking pumpkin beer that is most likely expired and I am excited to buy a new notebook.

Chuckle Norris

2010-08-20T15:46:00.001-07:00

A set from the Waiting Room

Chuckle Norris - watch more funny videos

What I Would say to my Dog if he Had a Saddle on.

2010-08-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

Hey! where did you get money for a Saddle?
You don't have any money of your own.

How did you get this saddle?
You don't have a car or know the bus lines.
Did you use a credit card?
I don't think you have enough credit to have a card.
Whose computer did you use?

Why did you need a saddle?
Who is going to ride you?
I'm not going to ride you.
Who else do you know?

What makes you think you can go out and get a saddle without discussing it with me first.
It's a nice saddle and saddles aren't cheap.
If you have income coming in we should talk about splitting up the bills.

Hey! Don't get that saddle mixed up with everyone else's saddle.

Scorpion Farm.

2010-07-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

Here is a sketch written by my brother, Josh Peterson. Nick Allen, Myself and Jen Agnew are the ones that you see in the moving pictures and Ian Terry helped direct and edit it. I think it is one of the better sketches we have done.

Scorpion Farm - watch more funny videos

Upcoming Shows

2010-07-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this to include that every Monday, permitting on job and other things I do an open mic at Duffy's for their Comedy Workshop in Lincoln. Also, I try to make it to the Shark Club every Sunday to do the open mic there. With that being said here are the other times I will be performing this month:

Wednesday, July 14th. @ The Waiting Room Lounge.
Fancy Party Comedy 9pm. Free.

Thursday, July 22nd @ The Sydney (Featuring)
Comedy at The Sydney II: The Comedying 9pm. Free.

Friday, July 23rd @ The Hideout
Midsummer Meltdown 830 5 dollar cover

If you are a person that I do not know and you some how stumble across this website, come and drink something.

It Tolls For Thee......

2010-07-07T00:26:00.000-07:00

God, I hope this is real. This has to be real. There is no one this clever to portray the vapid shallowness of American pop culture is such a haunting and realistic way. I speak of the twitter feed of one Amanda Bynes, or @chicky on Twitter.

Today a friend of mine posted a few times about how phenomenon this strange woman's Twitter is. I thought alright, this may be good for a few laughs, but I was in for the surprise of a lifetime. The tweets, there was something strange about them. They were rapid and they lacked a certain online filter that keeps all of us from posting pictures of our bowel movement. (Just me....?)

They are as thoughtless as you can fathom. Awash with departing pop culture references, and sophomoric general platitudes the twitter feed makes for a compelling read. It paints a tale of an over-privileged, under-learned twit, who pines about a relationship or an argument that is occurring on Twitter. What we see is a young woman (24), who tweets everything she thinks her favorite Gossip Girl character would tweet with no sense at all if there is an actual person behind these words.

Here are a few examples of this sin:

I am so sure of myself it will scare you

What she thinks it means to everyone:
What this is saying is that there has been a decision that has been weighing her down, and she has finally come to a concrete end which she is comfortable with it.

What it means to me.
She intends to show everyone he self confidence so they will notice it and comment on it so she will good about her self confidence and resolute decision making skills. She is going to terrify me with her resolve. Not today, Bynes.

my favorite artist = my favorite musician

What she thinks it means to everyone:
She goes against the strong social norms, and states that she believes that music is art. It is also possible that she is clarifying this to someone who didn't understand that when she said artist, she meant musician. Just so they didn't go try and download the new DuChamp CD.

What it means to me.
She believes that there is a debate about music as art is ongoing. So that must mean she is either....dumb, or in on some crazy academic journals that no one else is reading. This isn't an issue. If she she as any less vague she would say My favorite Kingdom is Phylum.

Ok that's enough about hair capes for now
"you sure did a good job styling that hair cape"
"well wow your hair cape sure shines now doesn't it"
Let's talk about hair capes and different ways you can show someone you like their hair cape

WTF
I have no fucking clue what she is talking about. She either:

A: Messed up her hair with a cape, which apparently is commonly called, "cape hair or "a case of the hair capes".
B: Was in possession of a cape made of hair.
C: Or this a hair style and she is very proud of it.

Comedy at The Sydney II: The Widowmaker

2010-06-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday at The Sydney here in Omaha, we held the first monthly open mic. It was a resounding success and we have high hopes for the future of this event.

The second installment of the comedic adeventureis ready to roll and the three feature comics have been chosen.

Hosting will be the tallest comedian since the great roastmaster, The Vlasic pickle stork:
Scott Muilenberg.

Next is yours truly, Zachary John Peterson. Shorter than Scott, larger than life.

Wrapping up the evening will be Mr. Richard Reese, or "The Sabre Rattler" as he is known in the rattling community.

The rest of the evening will be comprised of local talent that goes from professional local comics to raving weirdos. If you think that you have the ability to walk up a few stairs and waste a few minutes, show up early and sign up!

Thursday July 22nd. It is a free event, although donations are encouraged for the feature performers, and it starts at 9 pm. The Sydney is located @ 5918 Maple Street. Come out and drink more then is necessary.

I have a website, and a Dream. I am Already One Up on Dr. King.

2010-06-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

You may or may not know by now that I have registered a few domain names to take you to this land of enchantment that is known as this stupid website. These being ZachPetersonComedy.com and Kingzark.com. I could not decide between the two because I am without dartboard or cognitive development.

Reason for this being, spending money on such an arbitrary thing may force my hand to update it, or at least make it nicer to look at. Buying imaginary real estate is usaully the thing of board games, but I have made it a reality.

Truthfully, I hope to post show dates, and updates on any other creative projects I may have in the works. Along with the long winded tirades about people who don't deserve it. In the future I hope to have a slicker, more functional site where videos and picture are posted.

I would also to like to use this site as a tool, to promote myself. People will be heard saying, "That Zach Peterson sure is a piece of shit, but have you seen his website? Spectacular! We must give him purposeful duties!"

So if you are thinking about hiring me for any thing here is a list of things I am good at and would like to be paid for: (but not limited to)

Eating
Sleeping
Looking at a bike
Wishing other people had less success
Comedy
Using the word sensational wrong
Making lists
Putting a hood of a jacket up and down.
Writing
Giving you people's phone numbers I have in my phone
Stacking magazines neatly
Finding treasure with a gang of adventurous kids
Opening jars
Telling a cat that he/she is purrfect
Mourning loss
Watching football
Telling you the best way to throw an object of my choosing
Mowing yards
Telling you how strong you are in front of good looking babes
Scolding
Having a ole fashioned root beer float
Staying

Questions or suggestions? Contact me Zacharyjpeterson@gmail.com

My Dismissive Conversation with a Carp

2010-04-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

Hey whats going on.....

Those your baked beans?

I really don't know what even to talk to you about. I mean, it is not like I asked you here to talk about a specific subject. I saw you I though you might have an interest perspective, being a carp.

So were you born as a carp, or did you like share a cup with an autistic kid and it sort of just happened?

Well, I could cut your head off and eat your flesh, but I find Cheetos Puffs more alluring at this juncture.

Well, I'm out of here you dumb fucking bottom feeder.

Philosophical Objects

2010-04-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

The Fatalist Sno-Cone
"What is the point of being grape flavored, I'm just going to melt anyway."

The Deist Parent
"Eat your vegetables or God will do nothing"

The Naturalist Anteater
(Eating Ants) "This makes sense"

The Calvinist Train
"My path has already been set, mostly by Chinese labor."

The Existential Bigfoot
"Life is a severe and cold, I might as well not even exist."

The Empirical Statement Building
"I am a relatively large building."

Old Videos from Old Men.

2010-03-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

Here are some videos that were originally in an episode for OKFMDOA. We decided against making more episodes because.....Well I don't know, but I am pretty sure it has something to do with the liberals. This first one was "the meat" of the episode. Our only attempt to date at plot. Enjoy!
(To blow my own horn, I did the intro music)

OKFMDOA Episode #0 - The Death Of Emmy - watch more funny videos

Iam and Scoats

This was an idea that Ian and I had for a children show audition that has gone awry. Ian put it together and we pretty much shot it as improv, spending the most time on Emmy's costume as the director. Notice the xbox 360 headset around his neck.

Blast From The Past - Ian & Skoats - watch more funny videos

Magic Eye

I am still convinced that Matt is the devil. mostly because I hate him.

Blast From The Past - Magic Eye Picture - watch more funny videos

Why I respect these people.

2010-03-08T21:01:00.001-08:00

This man finally completed the scarecrow for his Halloween display. It took him quite a while it kept slipping off the chair. He had to tie it down to keep if from falling off. I like him because he can accomplish his goals, even when there are setbacks.

This man is very proud about his outward appearance. He is not insecure about his bottle lining skills as you can see behind him. He proudly displays a number of bottles. It looks hot in that room, he had to take his shirt off. I like him because he maintains a positive attitude.

Despite having cerebal palsy, which I call terrible palsy on account of it being terrible. This man joined a hockey team, called Blaze. He is all cheesed off because someone melted something on his head. I Like him because he is courageous.

Reader Questions

2010-03-01T19:06:00.000-08:00

QUESTION 1.

Dear Zark,

I know fat women smell like a wet backpack, but why?

Love,
Sammy the Blog Reader

I sure there is a rational explanation for this, and I do not want to come off as an insensitive prat, but fat women and wet backpacks do smell very similar. This is scientifically proven.
Here are some of the leading theories.

1. Fat women are marsupials. They carry their young in a wet backpack, along with gum.
2. Fat women represent the Platonic Ideal of a backpack. They dimly represent the ideal of what a backpack pack should be, but we can not have the ideal in our physical world, so it smells wet.

The leading theory is of course, is that the leading export of fat women is in fact backpacks. This fact has come into play many time through out history, most notably in the great Fat-Back Wars of 1919-1922. Where Dutch Boers rebelled against Imperialistic rule while carrying gum, and a notebook with their hands free to do rebellious things. The smell is a constant remind for those whose back pack will not ever dry.

Question 2.

Dear, Zark

I feel inadequate, and I feel I am wasting my time on this Earth. What can I do to feel significant even though I am little more than a pinhole of light in a blinding bright universe. I could reproduce to give myself purpose, or I could go on a nihilistic bender. The idea that survival will be my only accomplishment on this Earth is killing me. Everyday I wake up empty and go to sleep emptier. I want to embrace a god but my rational mind will not let me do so. Those who are around me seem self absorbed and would not know if I was bleeding to death on their finest linens. I am disconnected emotionally not only from those who I say I love but from myself. I have a cognitive dissonance from how I tell myself to feel and how I actually feel. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Captain Hillbilly and the Jamboree Bandits

Captain,
First of all, let me tell you how big of a fan I am of your work. I loved "Pig-Out and the Irrationally Sloppy Buckaroos." It is what kept be going through some dark days. There really was no reason for those buckaroos to be that sloppy, it is beyond rational thought.

It appears you are in a pretty dark place, my friend, so let me give you a little bit of advice from your own song, "Needle Weasel and the Coon Skin Cabin." You stated in the song, "When you been fightin, don't expect no fish to be bitin.' When you been a missin, I can't be spectin' no kissin." You sir, have become the Needle Weasel. You expect the world to come to you sitting in your coon skin cabin, and thinking that the world is lined as luxuriously as your dwelling. Get out of our comfort zone, experience more that you have made life, let life make you. Become the lovable muskrat, Country Rascal, who only wants to find the water slide and drink mojitos. From your most famous song, "Mojito Villas." I know you can get through this. You have helped countless people through times that were just as rough. I don't know where I would be if I didn't pick up my first jug. That in itself, makes you significant.

The 1st annual Grampys

2010-02-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

For those of you who were disappointed in the Grammys yesterday, I would say that, you only have yourself to blame. Because in thinking that an organization interested in making money with an award show would be able to quantify and categorize art in such a way that suits those who take an art form seriously is silly. It is a popularity contest not dissimilar to politics where the most popular is seen as the zeitgeist of the day. But like the audience that they represent, it is nothing but the most inoffensive and average of the day. If it is meant for mass appeal, it will appeal to the masses, who are mostly awful. If we saw the same thing in other art forms then a film like Avatar would sweep the Golden Globes....Oh wait.

I have chosen the right line or work for myself. I am a manager because I have a great ability to criticize others hard work and take credit for doing very little. Because of this, I can find myself to be a decent critic as well. If you could not tell I am not a huge fan of popular music. I think any music suffers when the drug of choice changes to cocaine rather then psychedelics or alcohol. That is what happens to people who a predisposed to partying and come into money and success they change their drugs and it usually isn't conducive to art that I enjoy. When an alcoholic ceases to cry themselves to sleep because he has a line of groupies out the door the perspective may change a little bit. The dynamic in a group of friends who get stoned and obsess over the same hook because they can not get it to sound like how a animal would feel when the animal is lonely and hungry, changes when money enters the picture. When they are being hailed as a genius by tabloids like Rolling Stone or Spin it is sort of hard to justify drooling on yourself and watching youtube videos for 6 hours at a time.

So with my infinite wisdom, I am going to be handing out the first 3 Grampys EVER! The Grampys are three things that I liked right now. So now you will all know what is good, and what is better then what did not win. All victors can come to my house I will give then a prize.(Some junk.) The winners can also post this on your website if they want. It was an icon I stole from Google image search:

The first Grampy goes to

Horns:

Who would of thought that such a large part of the musical crime of ska would become the saving grace for so many records? It turned good records into great records. (Lucero: 1372 Overton Park) It also turned disappointing records into records that I listened to twice and like but then moved on.(Brother Ali: Us) Horns have been around since the 1970s and were once thought to be large cups for giants who didn't know how to make cups. Only recently have they been used to make music.

The next Grampy goes to:

Freaking out Squares

I like when weirdo do-gooders are freaked out. They start yelling about Jesus, Mexicans, and Sarah Palin. They don't know what to do. That one guy that didn't win American Idol was gay and all these people were pissed that he was gay, all these other people were like he didn't win because he was gay. Then I was like, "I voted for Ruben. I thought he was a sandwich"

Then a Lady Gaga sang a song about riding a glow stick, then all of a sudden she had a penis and everyone was pissed about the penis. I was more upset with her making up the term disco stick. I am assuming it is a glow stick that one rides.

More people should weird out the masses. It keeps me interested.

And the final recipient of a Grampy is:

The Grampy Awards!

Look! I am self-indulgent as well! Since these awards are extremely prestigious because I say so, and I am a Grampy Award winner, this means that I should be respected more. PAY ATTENTION TO MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS!

The fact of the matter is that the Grammys are important to some because they give power to such institutions by respecting their decisions are believing they have some weight. The Fucking Black Eyed Peas performed! PEOPLE CLAPPED FOR THEM! There were some people in their seats who were thinking, "This is great, I just love the Black Eyed Peas, I hope they win a Grammy so people will see that my taste and opinions are validated by an external entity."

And some people call the Grampys a joke.....

One of my favorites.

2010-01-27T11:28:00.000-08:00

CGI McLain Sketch - watch more funny videos

What I would say if I drew this:

2010-01-26T21:54:00.000-08:00

"This is what you would look like if your head was a bit wider than it is now. I can't draw Necklaces"

"I put a lot of work in on that bowl cut. I hope I captured all it's shitty essence in my art"

"I drew this picture of an out of focus dog and a lady trying to focus on him, and she can't! THE DOG IS PERMANENTLY OUT OF FOCUS!" THAT IS THE NATURE OF THE DOG!"

"I like this, because I think I drew a man who is cool. It is important to me to be cool, and have a variety of masks. I think he look kind, don't you?"

I have nothing to contribute

2010-01-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

I am a very self conscience person. I don't know if that it projected to people I know. I don't know if I am transparent on how I feel or completely stoic. I really don't think about it too much. I should think about it.....I think. Is the person I portray myself to be to others the person that I am, or is the person that I think I am......That I am.

It is a hard question to answer. If it wasn't this would be a very short article. As far as I know, people know me as a loud mouth buffoon who has out worn his welcome. They could see me as an individual who they enjoy being around and feel like they don't see enough of. People are not so matter of fact with their feeling. No one ever sends you a text message that reads, "I tolerate you as a person who I have to occasionally interact with." It wouldn't be the best text to receive, but at least you know where you stand.

I have at least a few people that who, like the tag-line from the movie The Blindside; "have my back." People who I trust and love. That is super duper and all, but I am not going to write a blog gloating about my fulfilling personal life.

It is not that I think that there is some cabal, hell bent on destroying me and are out their in the night air cursing my name and stroking a cat on a large rolling chair. What I am saying is that, I can not understand the mind frame of anyone else without projecting my own prejudices into what I perceive their view the world to be. If that makes sense. That and I know that people go out of their way to be nice, to almost everyone. No one wants to be an outward prick. It would not gel with the perception that they have themselves, unless they perceive themselves to be an outward prick. The people who perceive themselves as bad people must of not gotten enough hugs from Mommy growing up and I usually want to steer clear of them. A lot of the time they wear being unsatisfied or unhappy as a badge of honor.

It may sound silly, but I see more T-shirts with slogans that portrays the wearer as a less than desirable person. "Your T-shirt is calling you a Bitch." I would say to someone in a shirt. Realistically I wouldn't because I believe the shirt to be true. I am lazy, insane, or a self centered prick are other popular fashions.

I perceive myself to be a nice person for the most part. I have done fucked up things, and said fucked up things in my past. I would think that a nice person would admit his mistakes. "What does a likable fella do at a time like this", is something I ask myself frequently. I know I come off as a little weird. I don't think it is too the extent of "bad weird" You know this happens where you are forced to leave the party. But I think I can make people feel uncomfortable, women mostly. Not in a weird sex way...at least I hope not.

I have one philosophy about talking to women. It could be my social paranoia, but the first thing I have to establish is, I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. After that it there is usually an awkward silence. I do not have a lot of friends of the opposite gender.

Moving on.

It is impossible to know what you make yourself out to be in the eyes of others. So in this instance I am going to aim for the middle. I am not going to smell bad, dress like an adult, (To some extent), and try to say intelligent things. But for the most part I am going to get drunk and repeat the same thing that I find funny over and over again. In summary I resolve to change nothing. How convenient that the way I am is the way that I should be. I was afraid that looking at myself might lead to new truths that would cause me to reconsider my actions and attitudes. Lucky me.

This has accomplished nothing.

Let's Talk About the Elephant in the Room. The Human Race

2009-12-20T16:45:00.000-08:00

I do not like being around most people.

Ok, I know what you are thinking. "What is this guy too good for other people?" or "What a deep and dark fellow to feel alienated from the rest of the world." In fact, both of those thoughts are very true.

With all kidding aside. There are many people who's company I enjoy. I just have a criteria. I have standards. I have the 5 basic senses that a person is born with to perceive the world around themselves with, and goddammit, I am going to use every last one of those sense.

The information that I gain from using these senses I interpret in my head so they make sense to me. Then I would communicate these thoughts out in such a way that someone that is speaking with me could relate to and find common meaning. We would then regale in our similar emotions.
"I also do not care for that show with the man, he makes me uneasy as well." and "I concur that she is a ugly bitch." Are in accordance to this nature.

If we can not find common ground we are not going to be pals. We have to create the perception between both of us that we are alike in some way and have the same wants, needs, and desires. We are very similar in this area, As a human race we all like to be well rested, well fed, and loved well. But if you stink, I do not want to be around you.

In today's society we can do crazy ass things with technology. It is getting to the point that my 80s upbringing seems like the stone age. But even when I was watching Silverhawks and reading Howliday Inn, we were pretty far past the point from figuring out the not smelling like shit problem.

I know people are poor and I know some people are not all there mentally. I know these things. But a lot of the time it is just for lack of trying. "I didn't feel like bathing because I would of rather of rolled in stank pits and marijuana." or "FUUUUUUUUCKKK I AM FAT". Are the two main culprits that of those olfactory crimes that have been perpetrated in my presence.

There are many places on the human body that need to be addressed daily. I know it is not fun, and I know that it always seems like you could do a little better. because you are never going to be perfect. I am going to take the high road and not speak down to you about the weigh issues. I am hardly one to speak about eating poorly, and not being active. But it is a contributing factor to the gruesome smell you continue to perpetuate.

As you can imagine I run into this on a fairly common basis as a contemporary barista of the anti-culture know as video games. And if that is what you imagined, you would be very correct, more so than normally correct.

I do not believe that even if we were to take a road trip together that we would get along. Because that is when you get along with everyone and make new friends. I would wallow through such discussions as "How much pizza is on this jacket I don't wash" or "Why come, I don't gets more moneies for video games?" It would be a long two weeks driving through the arctic wilderness that is the Canada.

So remember kids, when you step out your door to go visit the nice people at the store, before you put on pants, no.......real pants, not sweatpants. You can't go out in sweatpants. I know you are feeling WAY too casual to put on denim and a T-shirt, but have some self respect.

I sleep in fucking Haggar brand slacks.

I am not Brad Pitt myself, I am more a weird William Dafoe character or Lenny from Law and Order. But I do put forth effort. There is so little effort to be put forth to become an acceptable human being when you leave your house shaped cave full of weird pets.

It is much appreciated.

Look at This Flying Jungle Cat

2009-12-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

(This picture looks like it should be on a girl named "Misti" or "Misty's" backpack.)

Some guy: "That large jungle cat is neat"
Other guy: "I agree"
SG: "It needs wings"
OG: "Hmmmm not really"
SG: "No, they need wings, to make them fly"
OG: "I really don't see the point of wings, or flight for that matter. It is already pretty strong and agile and does pretty well for itself the way thing currently are."
SG: "No, Listen, this jungle cat needs to Fly, or at least hover, glow a bluish shade and look like it is smiling before I could even start considering it bad-ass"
OG: "I will concede the point that it would be infinity bad-ass if the jungle cat was to meet your forementioned criteria. But my concern is, the practical function of those wings. We have a hard enough time defending against the jungle cat as it is. Wings would add a whole new dimension, in the survival of the human race. Especially in jungle regions where there are jungles, and jungle cats, in those jungles."

Then the conversation would just decline from there. We have seen it a million times, an issued based discourse in this country devolve into only a myriad of name calling and symbolic purple-nurples. We can no longer stand against one another. We must all agree that our country is more important than your own pride. We must take this time to shout out, "Hark! For the emperor has no clothes!!" THAT LEOPARD/PANTHER/JUNGLE TYPE CAT IS NOT BAD-ASS, IT IS IN FACT, KIND OF WEAK!

I have spent too much of my time worrying about this crap.

The random quest for knowledge (via youtube and random words.)

2009-12-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

It is easy to sit and appreciate how the internet has bettered our lifes. It is almost to the extent where we no longer have to leave our houses to be connected to the world. A lot of people appreciate the internet for this fact because it is the easiest way to control their life. at least the perception of their life.

With social networking sites it is quite a bit easier to create the perception that, what you have to say is important, or you have some sort of social life. You easily control a device that creates perception of you as a brand. You also control what is perceived by yourself. Making the media that you consume the closest to the mindset that you already have reinforcing all of those comfy opinions. Don't get me wrong, I am not lecturing anyone. Because these are some things I have been doing for years and will continue to do so, because I am human that that is my nature.

But how do you really, "think outside the bun" like that commercial says? You know what you believe, and you know what a lot of people like and believe, but it is impossible to know all of the things that all love and want to watch movies of? Now, just think about the advent of Youtube and all those movies that at least one person thought was good enough to share with the rest of the world. You and I both know there is some weird shit on youtube and the rest of the internet, because we are human, and that is our nature.

I did what any real man would do, assume that I can fix the situation.

I did not go so far to look and see if there was a random youtube website or function on youtube, so if there is one....cool. I did it this way anyway. I typed in the first five words I could think of. Not really concerned if they were too closely related words, because if something is at random, there is a random chance that the words could be a random amount related. Of course this is the random-related ratio, that a shitload of scientists discovered at a college.

(This is the only time I am going to type out this explanation for what I am doing with these Youtube videos. Seems like a whole lot of work for nothing.)

Anyway, The five words I chose today are:

wonder, ham, double, beans, and wood.

What would have been the first result, you ask? Well, I am going to tell you.

This:

First of all, I think my methods are sloppy. You don't have to tell me that. It is very unprofessional, and I apologize.

On to the video, I think his guy seems way too clean cut to be a good rapper. But he is still good at rapping, I think. I don't know enough about rapping to give "props" for "skillz". If I knew what he was saying I could give a breakdown about how his words make me feel, "mabble jabbel fip jabbel" is not rife with thought.

This looks professionally done so there must be a few people that think he is alright. At the end of the video other videos he appears in come up on the screen. He is in what I can only assume is some sort of duet with a man named "chipmunk".

I googled him and I guess he is either Italian or just big in Italy. Now it makes sense why I could not understand what he was saying.

I looked at the comments and it just reinforced what I already believe. I have no idea what any slag ever means anymore.

What does, "nang tune" mean? I understand tune, but nang is where I am lost. They were obviously referring to the song as nang. I hope that is a positive comment. Double S needs the "props".

westwood is so neeky

What the fuck is that!?

But the one that had the most thought put into it was this one:

3 LOVE double S hes coldd =D i been doin dis ting from day & from then till now I been on top wida gamee i repped it from day and the flow that i got i kept it from day and i neva get it hard i left it from day but moneys the motive tht is ma game <3>

This is a good statement about Double S. It is either a typo of someone named "3" loves Double S. They then go on recite some of the song to show us that they watched the video or found the lyrics online. Then there were some hearts and a face that appeared to have its mouth open then they said that they loved him. I assume that this is a female writing this. Although I could be wrong. I want to be as gender neutral as possible to avoid conflict.

Double S has done an interesting thing. He has created music that is much more popular some where else and did not come off as terribly campy. Sure it is not something we will see on MTV but we understand how he is making a living off his rapping.

I think that youtube video went well.

Reliving a life that should of stayed forgotten

2009-12-07T21:59:00.001-08:00

There are times in the winter months for long stretches of solitude. During these times a strong sense of reflection occurs. Thought on the past are mostly made up of generalities of old friends and projects that never seemed to get finished. A job or location may define your frame of reference of days gone by. Some may look at old pictures of lost loves or flip through a yearbooks with wistful remembrances of what is looked back upon inaccurately as a torrid youth. With the growing influence of technology, one's inner mot thoughts are documented better than ever before. Those of us who graduated High School around the millinia spent some of our more defining years glued to the world wide web, and posting utter garbage.

For me, it was the few years after High School messing with music and getting back into college with no real direction and a constant need for approval. Luckily for all of us, this part of my life was documented a few times a week on Livejournal.com.

I started this project as a funny trip down memory lane remembering the little inside jokes I left for myself, and plenty of twinges of embarrassment occurred along the way. Looking at my old journal entries I know the big picture things that are going on. Those "big picture things" are irrelevant to this post, in fact they are are down right boring, and sometimes depressing.

I was filled with such wisdom (unedited for accuracy) as, "People often ask themselves what the fuck am I doing with my life? My answer to this questuion is drinking and fucking being cool."

As you can imagine my life was filled with exotic trips and meeting interesting people, and if you imagine that....Well, I bet you imagine a lot of things that are inaccurate. A Middle American underachiever with a razor sharp wit and a humble streak with access to alcohol and a computer. The documentation has begun.

Most of the links are broken and the pictures don't show up, except for one. (Pictured at the top of the article.) I would think that the links being broken would be a good thing considering most of my posts were drunk, angry and not very politically correct. But I think they reflected the man who I was, and shadowed a man to come. Here are a few examples:

"When getting things from netflix, I only have one rule. No retards."

"This song is about hunting down underage pregnant sluts"

"If you are wanting to objectify yourself go as an object you resmeble such as a bean bag chair or a boulder."

"Justin is going to take me out to Kobe for my birfday. stoked, I hope I don't get raped at a colorado resort."

"this is what is wrong with the world. If that woman had smaller breasts she would be another dead white trash junkie. THAT IS ALL. I could not give two fucks about her."

Not the best image of myself, I know. But you have to understand the situations from where I was living and the things I was doing. It was not the stable home environment that is conducive to an upright fellow." I present to you exhibit A:

Update on the jar of hair thing.

So I spoke to my room mate about it and it is his from about 5 years ago.
And I quote, "I found it in my car"

This important because apparently there was a "jar of hair" post that everyone was excited about, so there had to be an update. And the hair in question was found in a car....the place where one usually finds the jars of hair in one's life.

""Yeah she told me she was a hermaphrodite on the way home. But at least I got free Valentino's out of it." Was a fond memory of a conversation I had with a coworker while giving his a ride home.

This was not a blessed life. Although there were glimmers of a man who thought of the larger world around him. I thought about many deep and important issues.

I pondered the social structure of fashion

" Top Hats- There is no reason in this day and age to wear a top hat. Period. You can only wear a tophat is you are going to fetch my petticoat, and I do not wear a petticoat, nor do I wear Knickerbockers. There is no purpose for a top hat in any regard any ways. Why do you need a hat that goes above your head for four more inches? Why do you need this room? are you going to put your sac lunch up there? And why do you call it a top hat? All hats go on the top, That is why they are a fucking hat. "

The role of the father in a child's life.

"I want to find a feral child. He would fold my clothes. Then he could run around kinkos for a few hours, and I would be fine with that I am not his dad."

I enjoyed the Arts:

"I am watching Aguirre, der Zorn Gottes" a Warner Herzog film. SUUUUUUUUUCKS "

"That movie probly has the most suicide of any movie I have ever seen. "

"Craig T Nelson, on Coach probably hit Christine, possibly Dauber."

"last night there was a movie on with nothing but a cast of birds. It was the strangest fucking thing I have ever seen. I have been freaking out about it until now. I found out what movie is was and it wasn't an alcohol induced dream."

Obvisouly I was growing up. I thought about my future, my profession, my future.........

"I am going to change my name to Dr. Pepper so people either think I am a soda or a Doctor. Either way, I win, For I would be neither. They would say things like, "I never met a soda before." I wouldn't say anything because sodas don't talk. If people said things like "could you look at this for me?" I would be like, Ew gross! then write them a prescription for soda."

And finally I though about my own sexuality,

"You know I am all for whatever lifestyle you choose to live but one thing man, woman, beast or what have you, that I find unattractive is the hold of the ass open. It is unnecessary."

I can not say that I am proud of all my choices actions and words back then, but they have turned me into the man I am. A wise fellow with a decent amount of things that I will not share with others. In closing I will leave you with an interpretation that I wrote of a "Fergie" song that he wrote about a difficult time in his life. I hope you enjoy. God Bless.

"There has been a lot of talk about the dispersment of junk inside of one's trunk. Because of the amount of this said junk, using all of the junk will be quite difficult. Although one possiblity that is being thrown around i using the junk to get other men drunk. Although there is plenty of junk to get one drunk off that junk, we are not limited to only getting bystanders drunk off that junk. Another issue that needs to be addressed is the lovely lady lumps. I would think that one needs to stop getting drunk off junk and get a mamogram."

Hello.

2009-12-07T18:01:00.000-08:00

Hello.

Today I have started this blog.

This blog is to mostly pimp out things I am working on.

It could be comedy with okfmdoa.

It could be working on my weird-ass book that will alienate any people left that may still like me.

It could be unedited drug inducted ramblings.

Either way, if you are at this page you have some sort of interest in what I am doing, which means you are boring.

I will probably just post videos of dogs talking.

--Zark